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Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.